Hi,
This blog post is a little bit more somber than my other posts and I hope a lot more meaningful to you. It is to me.
Two years ago this week, I was in an accident that caused a bleed in my brain. (Whoa, heavy. I know…so let me give you some backstory.)
You see, I had lived in NJ all my life. I love my family and friends (who are still to this day the best things in my life), but I was feeling that mix of exhaustion, dread and boredom from doing a job that didn’t excite me and was no longer new. I was repeating the same things over and over again and my days were just blending into one another. I wanted a challenge, a fresh start, a new beginning.
So, I took a job out in Colorado with an organic food company. But in my first few months here, I noticed I was doing the same things I was doing back East. I was in that phase of overwhelm, staying in most nights, keeping to myself with the “I’m focusing on the new job” excuse as to why I hadn’t really met people in my new city.
Well in mid October 2011, I got a step up in my responsibilities at work and moved to the Innovation team to work on new product launches. My first week on the new sub-team, the whole organization went on a team outing: go cart racing.
In short, by the end of “team building” day, I was in a hospital bed with a bump on my head the size of a cantaloupe.
Although I was completely coherent and awake the whole time, I had a major headache and some pain. I kept a smile on my face whenever people from work came to visit me (my colleagues were extremely supportive) or whenever I saw any of the medical staff. It was as if I was trying to play this off as not a big deal or that this huge mass on my left forehead was “just a small bump.”
By 2 am the next morning, I was lying in a hospital bed, in the quasi-dark, alone.
It was then I finally broke down. I was embarrassed about the accident, the bump, but also about my whole life. I was sick of being single, of being overweight, of feeling like a failure in my life everyday. I was good at my job because I worked really hard and can “hustle,” but it brought me no joy. And to top it all off, I now have this ginormous bump on my head??? WTF!
I was angry. I was sad. I was disappointed in myself. I … just broke down…thinking “why me? I’m a good person” and started crying. I’m not talking about those dainty, ballerina tears. I’m talking about the real deal – those weepy, messy kinda tears you save for true heartbreak.
About 20 minutes into this, I was a soppy mess. And, of course, that’s when the night nurse came in to check on my vitals.
As soon as I saw her, I wiped my tears and put this faux smile on my face like nothing was wrong. She had put the lights on by this time and saw I was awake. She made small talk while she took my vitals and then after she was done, she said “you’re having a pity party for yourself, huh? Do you know how lucky you are? You are my first ambulatory patient on this floor. You are walking and talking and cracking jokes, while everyone else is comatose or worse. You are really lucky.”
She proceeded to tell me what I didn’t know. That this was really serious and that it was just sheer luck that the blood pooled on the outside of a major membrane in my brain. That minor fractures in my skull saved my life because they alleviated the pressure that was building. If these things didn’t occur, I wouldn’t be here talking with her.
And then she just left.
I lied there, in shock for a minute and then started crying those big honking tears again. But after I was all cried out, I thought about what she said. “You are really lucky.” I thought about my own mortality for the first time in my life. I mean really thought about it.
{It still chokes me up as I write this.} I thought about all the dreams I had for my life. About how I was going to change the world and make an impact. About my family, how much I love them. And then I thought about if this was the end for me, would I be remembered? Of course, my family and dear friends would remember me and miss me. But I asked myself “did I make a lasting impact? What’s my legacy to this world?”
I couldn’t think of it. And that was truly heart breaking.
I vowed I would change that. I thought about what would be a big reach dream for me. “Impact 1 million people. A million people would be better off because I existed on this planet. That would be cool.” I smiled to myself. Just thinking about it made me happier.
I had no clue how I was going to impact a million people. But just thinking about my dream gave me hope that this time was different. This dream was inspiring. It had meaning to me, but it wasn’t just about me.
Something changed inside. I knew this time was different. I wasn’t going to play small anymore.
 |
Now, let me be clear. You don’t have to be recovering from a brain injury to have this kind of epiphany. You just have to give yourself the time to think about what you truly want in your life.
I want each of you to live the lives you DREAM ABOUT. We were not put on this planet to be miserable, to play it safe, to hide from what we truly want. We are here to live bigger, to make a difference, to be our best selves.
So, to help you find your big dream, I recorded a visioning exercise for you here. It’s a great starting point.
It takes about 30 minutes and you should be in a quiet place, where you can close your eyes without distraction. Be sure to have a notebook or journal with you. (Don’t just grab a scrap piece of paper – this is a big deal. This is YOUR life. Value it.) There will be a lot of ‘a-ha’s’ in this exercise. Promise.
(Note: I will pause briefly during the exercise. This is for you to think about what I asked. If you need more time, just hit pause.)
Thanks for reading this extra long post. It would mean a lot to me if you would share it and/or tell me what you think about it. Just send me an email to [email protected]. I value your feedback and read through each email personally.
Thanks again,
